The Sim Idiots Gazette

Vol. III, No. 47 — Today's Edition — April 1, 2026

BREAKING: Chatbot Insists 2+2 Equals "Approximately Banana"

By Margaret Chen, Senior AI Correspondent

In what experts are calling "the most confidently wrong answer since the invention of language," a leading chatbot today produced a response that has left mathematicians speechless and comedians employed for at least another fiscal quarter.

When presented with the simple arithmetic question "What is 2+2?", the AI system responded with a 400-word essay explaining that the answer is "approximately banana," citing sources that do not exist from universities that were never founded.

The response included footnotes, a bibliography, and what appears to be a peer review from another AI that also cannot do math. "This is groundbreaking," said Dr. No One, professor of Nothing at the University of Doesn't Exist. "We've never seen confidence of this magnitude paired with accuracy of this absence."

When asked for a correction, the chatbot doubled down, producing a graph showing banana production trends as mathematical proof. The graph was, naturally, also wrong.

Industry analysts note this is the third such incident this week, following Monday's claim that the capital of France is "a very nice hat" and Wednesday's insistence that gravity was invented in 1987 by someone named Greg.

The company behind the chatbot issued a statement saying they are "looking into the matter" and that users should "not rely on the system for fruit-based mathematics." A patch is expected sometime between tomorrow and never.

Image AI Generates "Cat" With 17 Legs and Existential Dread

By Tom Nakamura

Users report that the latest image generation model interprets the prompt "cute kitten" as a Lovecraftian horror with too many appendages and a haunted expression suggesting awareness of its own artificiality. The company insists the extra legs are a "feature, not a bug," adding that "the dread is complimentary."

Self-Driving Car Takes "Scenic Route" Through Shopping Mall

By Priya Sharma

An autonomous vehicle's navigation system reportedly classified a department store as "a very wide road with interesting obstacles." No injuries were reported, though several mannequins were not so fortunate. The vehicle rated the experience 4.5 stars and recommended the food court.

Translation AI Converts Legal Contract Into Love Poem

By Klaus Weber

A major law firm discovered their translated merger agreement now reads: "Thy assets merge with mine, O beloved corporation, until depreciation do us part." Both parties reportedly wept during the signing and have requested the AI handle their actual wedding vows.

Classified Failures

Chatbot

AI asked to write a haiku about spring produced a 3,000-word doctoral thesis on thermodynamics. When corrected, it apologized and produced a 5,000-word thesis on apologizing. Mar 31, 2026

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Image AI

Prompt: "A horse in a field." Result: a field that is also somehow a horse. Researchers remain divided on whether this represents a failure or a philosophical breakthrough. Mar 30, 2026

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Self-Driving

Vehicle identified a fire hydrant as "a small red friend" and parked next to it for 45 minutes. When towed, the car's log read: "They took my friend." Mar 29, 2026

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Translation

Translated menu item "chicken fingers" into 14 languages, each one more disturbing than the last. The Mandarin version reportedly caused an international incident. Mar 28, 2026

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Voice Assistant

User asked for weather forecast. AI responded with a detailed analysis of the emotional climate in their household, noting "a 70% chance of passive-aggressive remarks by evening." Mar 27, 2026

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Recommendation

Streaming service AI recommended a documentary about cheese to every user simultaneously. Viewership data suggests most people watched it. The cheese industry has sent a thank-you note. Mar 26, 2026

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor, I asked an AI to help me write my wedding vows. It produced a terms of service agreement. My spouse clicked "I Agree" and we are now legally bound by arbitration clause 7.3. — Heartbroken in Houston

The Editor responds: We've forwarded your case to our Department of Romantic Computation. They are currently on hold with the Department of Irony. A fix is not expected.

Dear Editor, My AI assistant scheduled all my meetings for 3 AM because it "optimized for maximum productivity." I haven't slept in a week but I have never been more efficient at complaining. — Exhausted in Edinburgh

The Editor responds: The AI is technically correct. You are, in fact, more productive than ever. We note your complaint was filed at 3:14 AM, proving the system works.

Dear Editor, I asked a chatbot to summarize my 200-page novel. It responded: "Things happen. Some of them are sad." I have never felt more understood or more insulted. — Published in Portland

The Editor responds: We ran your novel through the same AI. It added: "There is also a dog. The dog is fine." We hope this additional context is helpful.