martialaw.quest

Be it noted, with all due respect to the foliage in question, that no employee of the Bureau shall pass the threshold of his (or her, or their) office without first acknowledging — by given name — every leafed thing of his immediate purview.

Mr. Bertram (the philodendron) prefers a slight nod. Hortensia (the spider plant) requires only a soft good morning. The unnamed fern by the radiator is, regrettably, still on probation.

Filed at 07:42, on the morning of a Tuesday in autumn.

The Bureau finds, after lengthy and not-quite-spirited debate, that Tuesday is unsuitable for elevator sighing. Tuesday is a day of quiet ascent. Should one feel a sigh approaching between floors, one is encouraged to hold it (gently) until disembarkation.

This ordinance is enforced exclusively by the elevator itself, which has, as we all know, a long and patient memory.

Filed at 08:17, between the second and the fourth floors.

It has come to the attention of this Bureau that the foregoing has been litigated already, this morning, in fact, before coffee. The matter is therefore considered doubly ordained. Twice-ordained matters are, by Bureau custom, indicated with two faint pencil ticks in the lefthand margin.

One imagines the elevator nodding patiently. One imagines it has, in its long career, heard quite enough sighing already.

Filed at 09:03, with apologies for redundancy (this is most likely my fault).

The shortest pencil shall be addressed first, that it might feel less abandoned. The Bureau has lost too many serviceable stubs to the indignity of being passed over for their longer cousins.

Sharpenings are to be conducted at the desk, with the receptacle held just so, and never — never — over the wastepaper basket, which has feelings of its own.

Filed at 09:51, with three small piles of shavings.

The mirror in the third-floor washroom is, the Bureau acknowledges, an excellent listener. It is also, regrettably, off the clock after eleven. Conversations begun there shall be wrapped up promptly, with a polite nod and, if possible, a small adjustment of the necktie.

The reflection has, by all accounts, never asked for anything. It is the Bureau's view that it should not now begin to.

Forwarded at 10:38, in triplicate, to no one in particular.

This is non-negotiable. Hortense came to us from a closing newspaper office in 1953 and is, by any reasonable measure, a senior member of staff. Memos that fail to greet Hortense by name shall be returned, gently, to their sender, with the relevant clause underlined in fountain-pen blue.

Hortense, for her part, asks for nothing but a small dish of paperclips on Mondays.

Filed at 11:24, with one (1) successful staple.

Sandwiches, in particular, deserve undivided attention. The Bureau holds — and has held since the unfortunate butter-and-memorandum incident of 1958 — that nothing said in writing is so urgent it cannot wait until after the second half of the apple.

Coffee is exempted from this rule, as it is a colleague.

Held in abeyance until the cup is finished, at 12:46.

The Bureau acknowledges a small drawer of correspondence pertaining to matters from 1971 onward. It is the present clerk's intention to address each one, in pencil — pencil being the medium of provisional earnestness — on a Tuesday afternoon when the radiator is at its most cooperative.

Should an answer prove insufficient, it may be erased and revised. Pens are reserved for matters one is quite sure of.

Filed at 13:55, the radiator obliging.

It is a wiser participant in the day's business than is generally credited. Drafts that find their way to it are usually drafts that wished to be there. The Bureau respectfully declines all proposals to retrieve a draft once placed, on the grounds that the basket has its own quiet judgment.

One must not, the clerk holds, second-guess one's own crumpling.

Declined at 14:42, with thanks.

To wit: a modest arrangement of brass and silver paperclips, in a small earthenware mug (preferably the chipped one), is hereby approved as desktop ornamentation between the months of October and February. The clerk reserves the right to compose them as he sees fit.

This ordinance is filed under seasonal, alongside the lone ordinance covering snowflake-shaped erasers.

Filed at 15:30, with eleven (11) clips in arrangement.

The Bureau finds, upon careful observation, that drawers prefer this. There is something of a queue to it — the upper-left having been first to open this morning, it is therefore last in line to close, and shall be granted the dignity of finishing the day's last small affair.

The middle drawer, which sticks slightly, is exempt from queueing; it requires diplomatic handling regardless.

Filed at 16:48, with three drawers cooperative.