GAZZA
SECRET ALLEY CABAL CONTROLS EVERYTHING
A network of verified entirely fictional informants tells GAZZA that the rats own the kebab shop, the kebab shop owns the council, and the council owns the moon. Or do they?
PIGEONS PROMISE NEW LEADERSHIP
"WE ARE TIRED OF THE STATUS QUO," squawks one. "ALSO BREAD."
THE COUNCIL OF GULLS MEETS IN SECRET
On the rooftop of an unnamed kebab establishment — three streets from the alleyway you are currently scrolling through — twelve seabirds reportedly convene every Tuesday at dusk to discuss the price of chips redraw the borders of the local borough using cigarette ash. No minutes are kept. No motions are seconded.
GAZZA can exclusively reveal that the head gull, known only as BARRY, has been seen wearing a WIRE. Sources who declined to be named, photographed, or to actually exist confirmed the gull has "a real beak for politics."
THE INK IS WET
AND SO ARE WE
The editor sends his regards from the back of a moving bus. Postcards welcome. Money preferred.
CLOCK TOWER
STILL LYING
It's been 4:00 AM for six years. The bell remains "in talks."
UNDERGROUND SOCIETY OF UMBRELLAS DEMANDS RAIN
Beneath the cobblestones, an unregistered guild of sentient deeply opinionated rain-shields has issued a press release demanding "more weather, less ceiling." The release was wheatpasted to this very wall at 03:14 by a courier who insisted on payment in strong cups of tea.
FURNITURE."
The guild's chair, a TARTAN GOLF UMBRELLA named only as "Reginald," was unavailable for follow-up because Reginald is, of course, not real. Or is he?
A NOTE FROM
THE EDITOR
Dear reader: every word in this newspaper is a lie except this one (MAYBE). We have not checked sourced anything, confirmed anyone, or rung the doorbell.
This is on purpose. The truth is too expensive. The wallpaper, however, is free.
THE STRING WALL
EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. ESPECIALLY THE THINGS THAT AREN'T.
MOON CONFIRMED HOLLOW, FILLED WITH UNREAD EMAILS
A team of scientists drunk astronomers based in a portacabin reported the moon emits a soft pinging noise once every 17 minutes. The pinging, when slowed down 4000×, was found to spell out the words "BUY MORE STAMPS."
The portacabin has since been reclassified as a "national observatory" for tax purposes.
Officials have asked the public not to look at the moon directly, citing "moral hazard." A DRAFT MEMO obtained by GAZZA describes the moon as "a known associate of the tides."
BE SILENT.
WE WILL BE
LOUDER."
Sources close to the moon who have never been there but feel strongly about it claim the satellite has been STAGED since 1972 and is in fact a very large piece of CHEESE.
We have been unable to verify this. We have also not tried.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
DEAR GAZZA — I read your story about the gulls and immediately confronted my own gull. He confessed to EVERYTHING. Thank you for the truth.
DEAR EDITOR — Your last issue was wheatpasted directly over my window. I now read the news through your headlines. Please send fewer shouty ones.
I HAVE BEEN TOLD by my therapist barber to stop reading GAZZA. I will not be doing this. KEEP GOING.
Is the moon really cheese? Asking for a MOUSE.