WELCOME TO THE WALL
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a paste-up by nobody & everybody · printed overnight
POLITICS
/ the loud table
CITY HALL FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AGAIN
A janitor on the third floor sent a photo. The whole wing was lit up like a christmas tree at 2am while everyone was on a "fiscal restraint" panel.
"they were literally talking about cutting the library budget while their own ceiling lamps were burning a hole in the meter"
Two staffers say the timer broke last spring. The contractor "got back to us" after a 9-month silence. Meanwhile the lobby fountain is also still on. Someone's paying that bill — guess who.
HOT UPDATE
COUNCILMAN'S "SURPRISE" RIBBON CUT WAS ON HIS CALENDAR FOR FOUR MONTHS
The press release called it a "spontaneous community appearance." His own published calendar had it blocked out, color-coded, with a catering note.
The bagels alone cost twelve hundred bucks, billed under "constituent breakfast." That is a lot of bagels. Nobody at the event got a bagel. The bagels went somewhere. Somebody knows.
see this →
PARKING METER REVENUE "MISPLACED"
A clerk in the basement office described a binder labeled "DO NOT OPEN — ASK PHIL." Phil retired in 2019.
No one knows where Phil went. The binder is still there. The numbers in it stop at March of a year nobody will say out loud. strange, but it's the sort of strange this town runs on.
the missing amount is roughly two hundred grand — retraction: nobody confirmed a figure, we should not have printed one.
LOCAL
/ on this block
THE BAKERY ON 4TH STREET CHANGED ITS RYE RECIPE AND PEOPLE ARE FURIOUS
The new loaf is "fine," everyone says, in the same tone they use to describe their ex's new haircut.
The owner says her supplier "stopped doing the dark caraway." Three regulars walked out without buying yesterday. One left a note on the counter that just said "you know what you did." We have the note. We will not print the note.
FACE WITHHELD — SOURCE STILL EATS THERE
SOMEONE PAINTED THE FENCE BY THE TRAIN YARD
Saturday it was rust. Sunday it was cobalt. By Monday it had a tag of a pigeon holding a sandwich and the word "MORE."
"i don't know who did it but i hope they get free pizza forever"
The city's "graffiti hotline" is still a fax number. Somehow the pigeon stays.
DRYER #4 IS POSSESSED
Three different people, three different days, all came back to find their socks paired and folded. Nobody works there at that hour.
A note taped to the machine reads: "thank you, ghost. the matching is appreciated." It hasn't been removed. We have looked.
WEIRD
SPORTS
/ the field, the rink, the cage
HIGH-SCHOOL GOALIE STOPPED A PUCK WITH HIS FOREHEAD AND KEPT PLAYING
"I saw stars," he said, eating a slice of pepperoni at the diner two hours later. "They were real nice stars."
The trainer wanted to pull him. He said no. The team won 3-2 in overtime. The forehead is currently described as "a mood ring." His mother is not pleased. His mother is also extremely proud. Both at once. classic.
REC-LEAGUE SOFTBALL TEAM FORFEITS BECAUSE EVERYONE'S BACK HURTS
Average age 47. Combined ibuprofen consumption: alarming. Combined morale: surprisingly high.
"We'll be back next week," the manager promises, while wincing visibly while reaching for his keys. The opposing team brought beer over to share. That is what sports are about. Not the standings.
CULTURE
/ what they're talking about at dinner
THE SECOND-FLOOR THEATER STAGED A 4-HOUR PLAY ABOUT A LANDLORD AND IT'S SOLD OUT THROUGH MAY
The set is one chair, one phone, and a stack of unpaid bills that the actor actually reads aloud.
"i cried twice and i don't even rent."
The playwright works at the deli on the corner. He wrote it on receipts during slow lunches. The receipts are part of the program now. The deli is also packed.
A ZINE ABOUT PIGEONS IS OUTSELLING THE CITY MAGAZINE
It is a stapled photocopy. It costs four dollars. It has a recurring column called "PIGEON I MET TODAY."
The author refuses interviews. The bookstore on the corner has a small handwritten sign that just says "yes, we have it. yes, the pink one too." That is all the marketing required.
WEIRD
/ unverifiable but persistent
SOMEONE LEAVES A SINGLE PERFECT APPLE ON THE 12TH STREET BENCH EVERY SUNDAY MORNING
Always honeycrisp. Always polished. Always gone by noon. Nobody has seen the leaver. Several people have tried.
A retired postman set up a folding chair across the street last week. He fell asleep. The apple appeared anyway. He says he's trying again with coffee.
"i think the apple knows when we're looking"
THE STATUE IN PARK SQUARE FACED A DIFFERENT DIRECTION FOR ABOUT TWELVE MINUTES
Six people swear it was looking east. The park caretaker has photos from before and after. It's looking west in both. We don't know what to do with this.
No camera caught it. There is no camera. There is just the bench across from it and the six. They will not stop talking about it. We will not stop printing it.
UNVERIFIED PERSISTENT
EOLEND OF LINE
the wall ends here.
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