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LEAD STORY

Experts Warn That Expertise No Longer Required To Be Called An Expert

By Our Absolutely Credible Correspondent — EVERYWHERE, SIMULTANEOUSLY

In a development that has shocked absolutely no one who has been paying attention, a consortium of self-appointed experts announced today that the very concept of expertise has been rendered obsolete by the unstoppable forces of confident opinion and search engine access.

“We conducted an exhaustive study,” said Dr. Helena Fabricius, who holds a doctorate in a field she prefers not to name. “Our findings conclusively demonstrate that knowing things is no longer a prerequisite for claiming to know things. The data is—well, the data is whatever you want it to be, really.”

The report, which runs to some four hundred pages of varying font sizes, cites numerous anonymous sources, several imaginary institutions, and at least one fortune cookie. Its central thesis—that the democratization of information has produced a corresponding democratization of misinformation—was described by critics as “disturbingly accurate” and by supporters as “an attack on free thought.”

The findings have already prompted three think tanks to issue contradictory responses, seventeen podcasters to claim they predicted this years ago, and one particularly enterprising individual to launch a masterclass on “How to Become an Expert in Five Minutes.”

When pressed on the methodology, Dr. Fabricius smiled enigmatically and said, “Methodology is a social construct.” She then excused herself to attend a conference on the future of knowledge, where she would deliver the keynote via interpretive dance.

The university where Dr. Fabricius allegedly works could not be reached for comment, as it appears to exist only as a LinkedIn profile and a particularly convincing letterhead.

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The Day’s Intelligence

Meeting That Could Have Been Email Now Available As Podcast

By S. Redundant

An entirely unnecessary ninety-minute departmental meeting has been lovingly transcribed, edited for length (it is now longer), and released as a twelve-episode podcast series entitled “Synergizing Forward: A Journey.” Early reviews describe it as “exactly as painful as the original meeting, but now portable.”

Man Who Has Done No Research Demands Others “Do Their Research”

By F. Projection

Local resident Gerald Humphrey, whose research methodology consists exclusively of watching videos recommended by an algorithm designed to maximize his outrage, today urged his social media followers to “do their own research” on a topic he has spectacularly failed to understand. “I’m just asking questions,” said Humphrey, who is in fact making statements.

New Study Confirms Previous Study Was Funded By People Who Wanted That Result

By R. Circular

A groundbreaking meta-analysis has revealed that the landmark study everyone has been citing for three years was, in fact, commissioned and funded by the very industry it purported to investigate. The funders expressed surprise at the findings, which coincidentally aligned perfectly with their existing business model and quarterly projections.

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The comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought is the great luxury of our age.

” — Attributed to Everyone, Verified by No One

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Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I write to express my profound dismay at your publication’s recent coverage of events that did not occur. While I appreciate your commitment to reporting imaginary news with the same rigour one might apply to actual journalism, I must object to the characterization of my neighbourhood as “largely fictional.” I assure you it is only partly fictional, and the fictional parts are quite nice.

— A. Pedant, Esq.
Somewhere Plausible

To Whom It May Concern (Which Is Apparently No One),

Your recent editorial suggesting that politicians should be required to pass a basic logic exam before taking office is both impractical and unnecessarily optimistic. As someone who has failed several logic exams and gone on to lead a perfectly adequate life, I can assure you that logical thinking is vastly overrated and, in many professional contexts, actively discouraged.

— Hon. B. Confused, MP
The Houses of Something

Dear Sir or Madam or Algorithm,

I have been a faithful subscriber to your publication for what feels like my entire life, though records suggest it launched only this morning. Time, much like your editorial standards, is relative. I wish to commend your courageous stance on the pressing issue of the day, whatever that might be by the time this letter reaches you.

— Prof. C. Temporal
The Department of Flexible Chronology

From Our Correspondents

Economy Described As “Vibrant” By Person Whose Economy Is Vibrant

Economic Affairs Desk

The national economy was today described as “fundamentally strong” by the Minister for Economic Descriptions, whose personal portfolio gained twelve percent this quarter. Speaking from the balcony of a recently renovated townhouse, the Minister urged citizens to “remain optimistic and perhaps consider a side hustle or three.”

When asked about rising costs, the Minister produced a chart showing that costs are not rising but rather that the ground beneath them is sinking, which is technically a different problem and not one his department handles.

Tech Company Promises to Fix Problem It Created

Technology Desk

A major technology company has announced a bold new initiative to solve the very problem its previous bold initiative caused. “We broke it, and now we’re going to charge you to fix it,” said the CEO, visibly pleased with this business model. Shares rose fourteen percent on the news.

Local Council Votes to Rename Street After Person Nobody Remembers

Municipal Desk

After three years of heated debate, the town council has voted to rename Elm Street in honour of Reginald Montague Blisterworth III, a man whose primary achievement appears to have been living on the street in question during the 1890s. Residents expressed measured enthusiasm.