GAZZA NEWS

Mayor Declares War On Adjectives, Cites ‘Excessive Description’

By Penelope Bramwick — Staff Distortionist

CITY HALL — In a press conference described variously as “a press conference,” the mayor announced sweeping bans on modifiers.

“Adjectives,” the mayor stated, gripping a podium that was reportedly just a podium, “have done enough damage. From this day forward, things will simply be things. The sky will be sky. The grass will be grass. We will not stand for descriptive overreach.”

Critics, who can no longer be called “vocal” or “outraged,” gathered outside in numbers. They held signs.

Lexicographers across the region were unavailable for comment, having reportedly run out of words.

Implementation begins at midnight. Or simply, “at night.”

Local Man Discovers He Has Been The Source All Along

By Anonymous Sources, Plural

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     |  G A Z Z A  |
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       /__\   /__\
    [ press freedom ]

Gerald Hopfner, 54, a man who has spent decades being quoted as “a local resident,” admitted Tuesday that he had been every source for every story since 1998.

“Every ‘close associate,’ every ‘person familiar with the matter,’ every ‘senior official speaking on condition of anonymity’,” Hopfner said. “That was just me. I have several phones.”

Reached for comment, Hopfner declined to comment, citing his policy of declining to comment.

Investigators are unsure how to proceed, given that the investigators are also Gerald.

Truth Reportedly ‘On Vacation,’ Will Return Whenever

By the Editorial Board (composite)

Truth, the abstract concept, has filed for indefinite leave, sources who are also us confirm. A handwritten note left on its desk read simply: “gone fishing, do not look for me.”

In its absence, several substitutes have applied for the role, including:

• A vague feeling
• Something a guy said once
• The general consensus on a forum
• Whatever sounds correct
• A confidently delivered lie

Truth could not be reached for comment because it does not have a phone, and increasingly, neither does anything else.

The position remains temporarily vacant.